I'm hitting midlife crisis.
Forty-two years old qne what have I done with my life?
Next week I will pay my last child support payment. I had planned to go out and buy a Vette when the support payments ended. After years of handing over my checks to pay for swimming pools, Volvo's , Mercedes and a handful of minivans I planned to take care of Pilgrim. Paying child support didn't bother me after the sting of the divorce wore off and the court cases stopped. I still harbour a wee bit of resentment for being pulled back into court over silly things and being put in a postion to assist lawyers with their BMW payments but after 16 years I've finally paid all that off too.
Now that child support is ending though, there will be no Corvette as I have started all over again. Having kid's fits me better anyway. I'd rather have a house full of kid's and a station wagon than a two seater anyday. Wait. I'd rather have a house full of kids a station wagon and a two seater but I know the limits.
The mid-life crisis has nothing to do with fast cars, fast women or fat cigars. I love my wife and kids and consider myself blessed. My crisis is that I've lived half my life (Lord willing and the creeks don't rise) and what have I done? I'm a corporate wonk in middle management without the talent or desire to be the top dog. I don't have the competencies to be a mover and shaker. I'm more tuned to be a farmer and Quaker.
The truth was driven home this past week. I watched the most disturbing movie I've ever seen, Trade, about the internaltional sex slave trade. (The language was alittle rough but othewise the film was very well done. I'd recommend it to those with a stronger constitution, it brings awareness to an issue that should be exposed in a tasteful but very jarring way). I was brought in to help two women in physically abusive relationships I listened to an executive who is losing control. I heard about a friend who is going through a divorce and the list goes on. I don't mind listening to or helping anyone. I love dealing with people. My crisis is that I'm 42 and I have done nothing to make the world a better place. The realization of the degree to which the LORD desires action doesn't make me feel any better.
I know the pat answer, pray about it Brother but tonight that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm having a Lamentations moment. I desire to help the world become a better place. I want to do soemthing to see the abuse stop, to see marriages healed to know that seedy, perverted, ugliness that goes on behind drawn curtains is no longer profitable. I desire to see the hearts of people change so we don't have to hold our children close to our sides. I want to see the world in a better spot than it's in.
There, my rant is out and I need to go to bed. I know that it's all in God's time. I will push forward but soemtimes it's hard and I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.
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4 comments:
It's funny that you brought this up today, or actually yesterday. I was thinking almost the same thing as I got home from work yesterday. I was thinking that another day had passed and it was just like every other day. I go to work, come home, go to bed, then start over. The job I do every day is nothing that helps anyone, nothing to be proud about. IT's just a job. I was thinking, shouldn't I be doing more, doing something that makes a difference to help people in some way? So, I understand exactly what you are saying.
But maybe God calls some of us to other things. You are probably helping people on a one-to-one basis. You have young children and what higher calling is there than being a father to them? I am sure that you've done a lot more with your life than you realize. Thank you for spreading the good news of Jesus on your blog!
You are a father! Children desperately need you. I did not have that growing up. My Dad was there but distracted and withdrawn most of the time. I look at my children and they have a Dad that will drop a football game or a late show to sing songs to them or read them books. They will remember these things and in the long run will be awesome people. You are so blessed to have children to love.
I dont know if I can advise you as I think on those lines all the time.
But my go to book is the greatest salesman in the world.Have you read it ?If not I will scan pages and email it to you
Thank you for the insightful and comforting comments.
Frass, I did read The Greatest Salesman... years ago. I borrowed it, gave it a quick read and handed it back. It is one of those books that has to be reviewed slowly. Please forward some excerpts, I'd love to read them.
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